When my daughter was a baby, I thought it was hard. She had colic and cried so often and wanted to be held all the time. I was exhausted. If only I would have known that this wasn’t the hardest part. She is now a teenager and becoming more and more independent and needs me less and less. I am finding this so much harder. The less time she spends cuddling with me and the more time she spends away from home the harder it is. Don’t get me wrong I am incredibly proud of the young women she is becoming, I encourage her independence, it is just so darn hard to let go. I try not to let her see how hard it is for me but much like her mom she is quite intuitive when she wants to be and I’m pretty sure she can sense that I am struggling. She often asks me if there is something wrong, or if I am ok. I assure her that I am fine, but I am pretty sure she knows. I push it off as being tired and sore, which is also true but there is more to it than that. Letting her express her independence is difficult emotionally, I am both extremely proud and sad at the same time. I know that all of these emotions are currently making my fibromyalgia worse and I am trying to convince myself that I have no reason to be sad or worried, I have raised her well and she will be fine out in the world without me their to watch over her, I also know that if she ever runs into any sort of trouble that she will contact me as I taught her to never be afraid to tell me anything and I will always do my best to help her in any situation.
When I met my wonderful hubby and his two amazing children, I was more then excited for my daughter to have these two wonderful little humans to grow up with. The three of them are very close in age and get along well and truly love each other as siblings which has been great, until recently when they all seem to be pulling away at the same time. I always knew this would happen but that doesn’t mean I was ready for the loneliness that it would cause me. I wouldn’t change anything about these kids as all three of them are unique and beautiful in their own way. I love them all with all of my heart and would do anything to help and protect them. The only thing I wish right now is that they would stay young a little longer and need me just a little bit more. I know this is selfish, I know I need to encourage their independence, which I do, but is it so wrong to secretly wish they needed me just a little bit more.
I honestly love my life even with all the struggles that I have. I have a wonderful support system. My hubby is amazing and tolerates my complaining about my ailments and my crying when I get lonely. He works away from home but still makes himself available whenever I need and does everything in his power to try and make things easier for me. He also reminds me that we knew this would happen and that our kids would not want to be with us all the time forever, that they would get older and have their own social lives outside of ours. I try to remind myself of the times that I was annoyed by their constant need of me and how I said I was going to enjoy when they were able to do more things on their own. I do have moments of peace and enjoyment but I also often long for the days when my house was a mess with toys and there was always noise and chatter.
I have been in a flare for the last week due to the extreme heat so my mood has not been very positive to begin with when I found out that both of my daughters have important get togethers with their friends for this coming weekend. We were supposed to be going to the lake to celebrate my birthday. Even though my heart broke a little to find out that they had other engagements I reminded myself that I was once the same age as they are now and outings with my friends were more important than my parents. I also reminded myself that after I entered my mid-twenties things changed again and family time became more important than parties and having my mom to rely on for parenting and relationship advice was a priority and still is and that my girls will come back to me one day soon. This is only a temporary stop along the way. I will continue to guide them as much as possible and support them in all of their endeavors, even when my heart is breaking a little, so that one day they will remember that I was there for them whenever they needed, when a boy breaks their heart, when they need a safe ride home in the middle of the night and that I allowed them to live and learn how to be themselves. They will come back to me again when they need me most. When they need advice about the important things, they will know that I am here to listen, when they are having struggles they will come to me so that I can comfort them and guide them. These three beautiful teenagers are my reason for pushing through all of my struggles to show them my strength and love and that they will always have someone they can count on even when I am feeling loss and pain.